Have you ever caught yourself doing something you know doesn’t help you, and then doing it again the very next day? If so, you’re in very good company. I hear some version of this from almost every client I work with, and I still catch myself doing it too.
When it comes to breaking bad habits, most of us focus on willpower. We promise ourselves we’ll stop, we white-knuckle it for a few days, and then we’re right back where we started. Over the years I’ve found that a much better place to begin is with a single, honest question.
The Question That Changes the Conversation
A client came to a coaching session recently feeling really frustrated with herself. She kept reaching for comfort food and a glass of wine every night, even though she knew it left her feeling worse. Her health goals were clear to her, and she could list off every one. She just couldn’t understand why she kept falling into the same hole.
So I asked her: what is this giving you?
She looked a little confused at first. I explained that she was doing it for a reason, and there had to be something good in it for her, or she wouldn’t keep coming back. After a moment she said, “It gives me comfort. A little burst of joy. A break from everything I’m feeling about the world right now.”
Then I asked how long that good feeling lasted. A minute, she said. Maybe an hour, at most. And then the stress came right back.
I’m sure we’ve all felt that. The habit might look different for each of us, but the pattern underneath is the same.
Why We Trade Big Rewards for Small Ones
I think of it this way. Big rewards are the things that truly matter: your health, your relationships, the business you want to grow, the creative work you keep meaning to start. Small rewards are the quick hits that feel good right now. Every day, we trade the big ones for the small ones, choosing pennies over dollars.
Small rewards can be sneaky, too. Saying yes to everyone gives you the good feeling of making someone happy and helps you dodge conflict. Staying busy lets you wear a badge of worthiness. Overworking brings pride and importance, and it can also be a hiding place from the harder parts of life. Gossip offers a quick sense of connection built on a shaky foundation. Endless scrolling and learning feels productive while keeping you safely on the sidelines of your own creative work.
Netflix, a night out, a glass of wine, a great podcast: all of these can bring genuine joy. Each one also has a tipping point, where it stops filling you up and starts pulling you away from what you want most.
And we reach for them for deeply human reasons. We’re stressed and want relief. We’re scared, so we go back to what feels familiar. We face something new, and the ego tries to keep us safe by keeping us the same.
Where the Big Rewards Live
The catch with small rewards is that they fade fast. When the good feeling wears off, you need another one, and then another, until you’re caught in a cycle of giving up what you really want for a string of short-term prizes.
Think about the hardest thing you’ve ever worked through. I’d bet that on the other side of it was growth, pride, and a sense of accomplishment you wouldn’t trade for anything. That’s where the big rewards live. Getting there takes work, and it’s often uncomfortable, but it’s so worth it.
If you’re working on breaking bad habits, start by getting curious before you get tough on yourself. Pick one habit and ask what it’s giving you. Then ask how long that feeling lasts. You’ll learn more from those two answers than from any amount of self-criticism.
Every habit you understand is one step closer to the life you really want.
I explored this idea further on a recent episode of Impact Ready.
